You Might Be A School Teacher If …

by Jeff Foxworthy YOU might be a school teacher if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick. YOU might be a school teacher if you want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.” YOU might be a school teacher if it’s difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered. YOU might be a school teacher if you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail – anything, without ever looking outside. YOU might be a school teacher if you believe,… Read More →

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter. SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; LycomingCounty Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:    Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.    A permit… Read More →

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter.   

HEALTH WAR EXPLAINED IN CREATION

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, 'You want chocolate with that?' And Man said, 'Yes!' and Woman said, 'and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles.' And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined… Read More →

Red Skelton’s Recipe For The Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. 3. I take my wife everywhere…..but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!". So I… Read More →

Profound Things To Think About For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.2. A day without sunshine is like, night …or is there something else?3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.4. I just got lost in thought; and it was unfamiliar territory.5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.9. Remember, almost half the people you know are below average.10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. HMMM, What does that mean? 11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 12. The early bird may get the worm, but the mouse second in line… Read More →