Category: Laughter, The Best Medicine

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere…..but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" …. The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night …or is there something else?
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought; and it was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, almost half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. HMMM, What does that mean?

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the mouse second in line gets the cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Save the whales; collect the whole set.
18. Get a new car for your husband; it'll be a great trade and it may even smell better.
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand…
23. OK, we know light is pretty fast, but what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film or is it now a memory stick?
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but armadillos don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember – if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

"We tried to tell them if they kept printing more paper money, that someday it would be worthless."

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